The 6 Stages of Change: How to support yourself and others along the way

Written By Ali Richardson

by Ali Joy Richardson (MA, RCT-C)
Originally commissioned by ML Family Counselling

5 min read

Change takes time. Recognizing the stages of change can help us be more understanding of ourselves and others during times of transition, recovery, and transformation. The stages of change model was developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente in the late 1970s and emerged from their studies of how people quit smoking. It’s also called the transtheoretical model because it draws from multiple theories of psychotherapy.

The model describes six stages of change and can be applied to many different life experiences: addiction recovery, leaving a relationship, making healthy lifestyle changes, career transitions, and more. These stages aren’t tidy and linear; it’s normal to shift back and forth between them while navigating change.

STAGE 1 – PRECONTEMPLATION: We’re not yet ready or able to acknowledge that making a change could benefit us. 

Example: “My job isn’t the problem. Life’s just hard and disappointing.”

How to support yourself in this stage: 

  • Practice compassionate self-talk (“No wonder I’m struggling – I’m dealing with a lot.”)

  • Validate your own pain

  • Seek support for your painful feelings and experiences (therapy, talking to friends, etc.)

  • Be curious about the source of your struggle – what’s contributing? What could help?

  • Care for your basic needs (rest, nutrition, moving your body, hygiene)

How to support others in this stage: 

  • Validate their pain (this is different than enabling – this helps create a safe environment in which they might feel able to explore the possibility of change)

  • Speak your truth, but be careful not to pressure others to do things your way (this can trigger defensiveness which further delays self-discovery and potential change)

  • Listen for what they are ready to do and celebrate it (maybe they’re not ready to job hunt, but they’re willing to take a sick day to help manage their burnout) 

  • Take care of yourself – it’s hard supporting a loved one in this stage

 

STAGE 2 – CONTEMPLATION: We acknowledge that a change could benefit us, but we aren’t yet ready to take steps towards that change. We might feel torn or unsure about what we want, or we might lack confidence in our ability to make change happen. 

Example: “Maybe I’d feel less burnt out doing something else, but I don’t even really know what that would look like. Could I even change jobs at this point?”  

How to support yourself in this stage: 

  • Give yourself time for reflection (talking to a therapist, meditation, going for a walk or a drive, etc.)

  • Write down the pros and cons and the questions you have

  • Talk things through with trusted friends or family

  • Check your gut – how does your body feel when you imagine a change happening? Tight with dread? Buzzy with healthy nervousness and excitement? Scared? Relieved?

How to support others in this stage:

  • Offer a safe, nonjudgmental space for them to talk things through (if you have the bandwidth)

  • Fight the temptation to rush them to a decision

  • Celebrate the fact that they’re wrestling with tough questions – “I’m proud of you for really digging into this”

  • Express your love and support – “I believe in your ability to figure this out”

 

STAGE 3 – PREPARATION: We feel clear about the change we want to make and we’re figuring out what taking action will look like.   

 Example: “I’ve been reading job postings to get a sense of what’s out there. I’ve started talking to my partner about what this change would mean for us.”

How to support yourself in this stage:

  • Do research and ask questions – others have been here before, so draw on their knowledge and see what feels right for you

  • Mix in rest and pleasure along with the preparation work – you’re doing something hard!

  • Loop in trusted friends and family – you don’t have to do this alone

  • Create tangible reminders of why you’re preparing for change (photos, lists, mantras, etc.)

  • Allow grief to surface – as we accept a change, we may regret past decisions, grieve lost time, or feel sad about letting something go

How to support others in this stage:

  • Share resources (all those articles and postings you resisted sending when they were in earlier stages!)

  • Offer compassion for grief, regret, and sadness that may surface

  • Ask them – what’s helpful during this stage?

 

STAGE 4 – ACTION: We’re taking active steps towards making the change.  

 Example: “I’m working on my resume, and I’ve reached out to a friend about hiring opportunities where she works. I have an interview this week and I’m applying to another place next week.”

How to support yourself:

  • Consider recruiting an Accountability Buddy (“On Friday, I’m going to send you my updated resume”)

  • Keep incorporating rest, comfort, and pleasure – you’re using major energy and courage!

  • Keep your eyes on your own page – change happens at YOUR pace (resist comparison)

  • Request pep-talks – we all need them! “Can you please remind me why I’m not crazy for doing this?!”

How to support others:

  • Cheer them on

  • Remind them of their progress and how far they’ve come already

  • Help take other things off their plate (offer childcare, cook a meal, run an errand, etc.)

  • Lend your skills in support of their action (proofread an application, offer interview practice, help with research, connect them to a colleague, etc.)

  • Express gratitude for the positive impacts their change is having on your own life

 

STAGE 5 – MAINTENANCE: We’re taking active steps to sustain the change and its positive impacts. 

Example: “I’m settling into the new job and working on protecting my personal time. I’m prioritizing some time each month for a volunteer gig that fulfills me, too.”

How to support yourself:

  • Focus on sustainability – how can I do this long term?

  • Ask for help when you need it

  • Create routines where possible

  • Remind yourself of the changes you’ve made and why

  • Look back with pride – reading old journals, emails, or looking at folders of applications and resume drafts can remind you how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown

How to support others:

  • Ask, “How can I help you stick with this?”

  • Let them know what you’ve learned from them and their journey

  • Stay curious about their experience – “What is this new stage like for you?”

  • If appropriate, ask about their “red flags” for sliding back into old habits and help them keep watch

  • Celebrate how far they’ve come

 

STAGE 6 – RELAPSE & RETURN: This is expected! We slide back into old behaviour, we recognize it, and we take action to return to our new, preferred way of being.   

 Example: “I’ve taken on too much this month. I’m overwhelmed. I’m going to ask for an extension on a project and cancel some plans this evening to recharge.”  

How to support yourself:

  • Forgive yourself – you are human, and relapse is a deeply human experience

  • Normalize relapse – this is such a common part of change that it’s in the model!

  • Avoid using precious energy to beat yourself up – save that energy for the repair and the return 

How to support others:

  • Remember this is a common part of change

  • Help normalize relapse as part of the process

  • Offer compassion and understanding, especially if they’re being harsh towards themselves (again, this isn’t enabling – this helps create the safety they need to get back on the horse)

  • Take care of yourself – this part can be distressing or frustrating for loved-ones

  • Remember – you don’t need to fix or rescue them (and trying to can be received as pressure)

  • Trust the other person’s ability to return to their new, preferred behaviour

 

Further Resources

Ali Richardson
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