No Room in the Calendar: How to layer self-care into what you already do

Written By Ali Richardson

by Ali Joy Richardson (MA, RCT-C)
Originally commissioned by ML Family Counselling

5 min read

The number one barrier to self-care that I hear from clients (and friends) is: “I don’t have time.”

No wonder. We’re reeling from a pandemic and stretching ourselves to survive soaring costs of living. Add disability, chronic illness, neurodivergence, or mental health struggles to the mix, and every ounce of our energy is quickly accounted for in a day. 

The idea of finding time for self-care has become a punchline. The boss who schedules a mandatory mental health seminar that crunches the rest of your week, the workplace that keeps throwing pizza parties instead of increasing wages… it makes sense that we’re skeptical.  

But what if self-care isn’t about squeezing something else into your week? What if self-care is about how you approach what is already on your plate? 

A mentor of mine uses the phrase, “self-caring lifestyle.” This positions self-care not as a special event in the calendar, but rather as a stance towards the daily demands of real life.

How can I take care of myself while doing what I need to do?

I’ve assembled a list of examples to spark ideas for you. These are self-caring actions that don’t require adding anything to your calendar. I’ve grouped these ideas into three categories: boundaries, ease, and pleasure.  

Self-care by Creating Boundaries

Leave the lunchroom: Notice when a conversation is no longer filling your cup and politely leave. You do not owe anyone your presence, especially during your precious downtime. Whether you’re in the staff room, on a call with family, or small-talking with a neighbour – when you feel that tug of “I’m done here”, exit. This move can be especially self-caring when the conversation has veered in a direction that’s stressful or demoralizing for you. 

Recruit friends to help you set limits: I used to feel like socializing was an all-or-nothing deal. Either I had to carve out time for a lengthy visit or go without. Now, I recruit friends into helping me fit connection into my week. Setting up a call with a friend? Let them know what time you need to leave. “I’d love to catch up, but I have a small window. Would you be game for a 20-minute chat? I know I’m going to want to talk longer! What do you think? Does a shorter call work for you?” 

Leave when the meeting’s done (for you): Even if others are still talking. Even if casual conversation is continuing (unless it’s filling your cup, then stay and enjoy). Let people know you’ve got another commitment to turn to, and exit. Privilege and power come into play with this move; you may or may not feel safe or able to do this in all spaces. That said, it’s worth reflecting on where you can.

Email autoreplies: Consider setting expectations around when you check and reply to email (especially if you juggle multiple accounts). Setting a warm autoreply that states, “I check this inbox on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For urgent matters please contact…” can lift some gnawing pressure.

Save your “above and beyond” muscles: Canadian artist and entrepreneur Halee McGee wrote about noticing when she goes into “above and beyond mode” and reminding herself that good enough is enough. Ask yourself – where in life are you using your above and beyond muscles? Is it worth it? Save them for the stuff that really matters to you. Writer and educator Hank Green described his productivity as getting things to 80% and moving on. He observed the time/energy it took to get something to 80% and noticed he’d spend that time/energy a second time trying to get it to 100%. And who even decides what 100% perfect means? Again…reflect on where you truly want to go above and beyond and where you don’t. 

Self-care by Increasing Ease

Try the depression cookbook: Created by Canadian interdisciplinary artist Sonali Menezes, this candid and tender cookbook/zine offers practical tips and super simple ways to get the nutrition you need while “you are depressed as f---.” 

Simplify your clothing: When the winter blues hits, I embrace a uniform of wool turtlenecks, jeans, and Blundstone boots. Decision-fatigue is real. This approach removes one decision from my day (and saves that energy for elsewhere). There’s a reason numerous celebrities embraced a uniform (think Obama’s grey and blue suits, Steve Job’s turtlenecks, and Arianna Huffington’s single black dress). Again, wealth plays a role – it costs money to invest in clothing that lasts repeated wear. But is there a version of this that fits your life? Maybe streamlining your options, or choosing to invest in a single pair of shoes (or jacket, or jeans) that can carry you through busy periods feeling comfy and confident?   

Lower the bar on existing self-care: Maybe you have an exercise routine or a journaling practice that feels more depleting than sustaining right now. Don’t be afraid to lower the bar. If squeezing in your usual workout leaves you rushed, step outside for 5 minutes of stillness in the fresh air instead. If your morning meditation ain’t happening this week, put your phone aside in the bathroom and drop into a couple minutes of mindfulness while brushing your teeth. Resist all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to self-care.  

If part of you recoils at these ideas (“But that’s letting myself off the hook. I don’t do that.”), I ask whether you’d rather lower the bar yourself or have it forcefully lowered for you because of illness, injury, or total burnout.  

Lower the bar on correspondence: Experiment with sending shorter emails and texts and don’t proofread them unless it really matters. Get ‘er done and move on. 

Layer it in: Ritual researcher Casper ter Kuile described the benefit of attaching ritual to things we already do (he reminds himself of his own mortality daily while applying face moisturizer). Invite a moment of gratitude while washing your hands. Pause your podcast and gift yourself two minutes of silence while commuting. Take a phone call on a walk.  

Explore self-compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff has amassed years of research demonstrating the life-giving benefits of self-compassion. It’s truly one of the most self-caring things you can cultivate amidst the hurly-burly of life, and it doesn’t take up additional time in the calendar. In fact, you might discover how much time and energy you free up when you’re no longer busy beating yourself up. Some folks fear that if they speak to themselves with gentleness, they’ll snuff out their drive and ambition. This view underestimates the incredible creativity, courage, and productivity that flows when we no longer feel like we have something to prove. Healthy risk-taking is possible when we feel secure, not scared. 

Self-care by Adding Pleasure 

Add a soundtrack: Would adding music or a podcast make this task/chore/commute/exercise more pleasurable? 

Adjust your environment: Can I do this reading/writing/research/call outside? Would it rejuvenate me to change location? Would it energize me to work in a library, or coffee shop? Or to invite someone to co-work with me? 

 Feed and hydrate yourself: Would this be better with a snack? A beverage? Taking 5 minutes to make a cup of tea might be worth it. Bonus: use the kettle boiling time to give your eyes a screen break and stretch your body (that’s layering it in!).

Swap in some fiction: If you find yourself reaching for social media in the little in-between moments (the bathroom, waiting for the bus, microwaving lunch), try adding the free public library Libby app to your phone and opening a book instead (whatever is genuinely fun for you – this isn’t about reaching a goal or impressing someone with your reading list). OR… enjoy an intentional moment of scrolling social media while noticing if the scrolling becomes automatic and depressing instead of refilling.

*     *     *

Many of these ideas involve simplifying or reducing the energy you put into a task. If that feels like you’re letting things slide, remind yourself that you’re reallocating time and energy back to the things that really matter to you. Getting clear on what’s important to you makes boundaries and decisions much easier to make and maintain. 

Further Resources

Ali Richardson
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