“I just really hate confrontation”: Experiments in assertive communication

Written By Ali Richardson

by Ali Joy Richardson (MA, RCT-C)
Originally commissioned by ML Family Counselling

5 min read

My winter of 2021 was lonely. I was being cautious about COVID, which for me meant avoiding indoor visits. I had mastered the outdoor winter hangout. My snow pants had become a precious ticket to socializing. I’d invested in a firepit. I was desperate for connection, but I felt shy asking friends to visit me outside. My shyness would be followed by a wave of annoyance: Just bundle up, people! Defensiveness would quickly follow: It’s not unreasonable that I’m not ready yet for indoor visits.

Reader, please note that this entire conversation, all three acts of it, was a solo. No friend was giving me guff about an outdoor visit. I was alone, playing it out, and becoming annoyed and defensive. 

I told my therapist, “I’m worried I’m asking too much by asking friends to sit in the cold with me.” I described the annoyance and defensiveness that clung to the fender of my worry. My therapist answered with seven magic words: 

“It’s not an imposition to be asked.”

I considered this, then countered, “But what if they feel pressure to say yes?” 

I hated the thought that a friend might humour me, say yes, and spend the entire visit cold and resentful. Worst of all, they might go vent to a mutual friend about how weird, fussy Ali made them sit outside in the cold because she’s so worried about COVID. 

I described this scenario to my therapist, and it hit me: That sounds like something I used to do.  

Used to do , before I learned that saying yes to people while secretly resenting them is not, in fact, being kind. Before I learned that humouring people isn’t the same as being loving. It’s quite the opposite. And it’s a quick way to tarnish relationships.  

My fear of asking friends for an outdoor visit was directly connected to my assumption that they wouldn’t have the courage to say no to me. As if I was the White Witch in Narnia, luring them to my firepit with a box of Turkish Delight.

I was underestimating their ability to be honest with me because I hadn’t always been honest with them in the past. 

But the point remained – what if one of my friends didn’t feel comfortable saying no to me?

The voice of my first therapist bubbled up from the past: Then that’s their work.

What a life-changing phrase, and one I have repeated to many therapy clients. That’s their work means recognizing when someone else has growing and learning to do. It means recognizing that the work belongs to them, not us. That’s their work means feeling compassion for their struggle, but not shrinking ourselves as a response. It was not my responsibility to stay lonely that winter in case one of my friends had a hard time saying no to an invitation.

“It’s not an imposition to be asked.”  

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What if the ask is for more than a visit? What if it’s asking someone to do more around the house? Or to be on time? Or to respect your boundaries?

This is where assertive communication skills come into play. I used to think these skills were for helping shy people become more direct. Then I learned the flip side – these skills also help aggressive communicators interact in a more grounded way. Less bluster. More clarity and effectiveness.  

Assertive communication means communicating clearly and constructively, and in a way that respects both you and the other person. A helpful acronym for this approach comes from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). It’s DEAR MAN:

Describe

  • Describe the facts of what's happening (no speculation or accusations, just the facts).
    “When I’m speaking and you interrupt…”
    “When you ask me questions about _______ …”
    “You’ve arrived late the last two times we met up.”

Express

  • Express your feelings about the situation.

  • Use “I” statements (speak only about yourself). This avoids a debate. Your feelings are your feelings – no one can prove you wrong about them (even if they try!).
    “…I feel frustrated and rushed.”
    “…I feel uncomfortable.”
    “When I’m waiting, I feel anxious.”

Assert

  • Assert your need - ask clearly, specifically, and directly for what you want.

  • Don’t assume the other person already knows (we all have unique needs).

  • Be specific.
    “Could you please wait until I’m finished speaking before you speak?”
    “I’m not comfortable discussing that topic and I don’t want to be asked about it, please.”
    “Could you please send me a text in future if you’re running late?”

Reinforce 

  • Reinforce the relationship by expressing how you feel about the other person (if it’s a relationship you want to nurture).

  • Recognize and reinforce what the other person offers.
    “I really care about you and I love our talks. Thank you for listening to me.”
    “I appreciate you respecting this boundary.”
    “Thank you for listening and understanding.”     

Mindful

  • Stay mindful of your goal – what are you trying to accomplish by making this request?

  • Stay mindfully in the present – don’t drag in the past or speculate about the future.

Appear Confident

  • Find a grounded posture, speak calmly, keep breathing – this signals to your body that you are safe and in control.

Negotiate 

  • When appropriate, listen for opportunities to strategize together or find a compromise. Remember, not all expectations need to be negotiated.

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Assertive communication takes practice. It’s nerve-wracking, especially when we’re new to it. I’ve heard numerous clients say, “I just really hate confrontation…” To this, I offer that there’s a difference between confrontation (which tends to be combative) and approaching conflict in a respectful, constructive way. There is plenty of room for warmth and humour in assertive communication. 

Some clients worry they’re asking too much from others by taking this approach. They worry it will seem aggressive. I remind clients that this approach is a request, not a demand. It offers the other person information and choice. This is a respectful way of treating others. If receiving respectful and constructive communication makes someone defensive, that’s their work.  

I can only control what I ask for, and how I ask. Others will choose whether it’s something they’re willing and able to give.

That choice is their work. The communication is mine. 

Further Resources

Ali Richardson
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